Feed The Rain

I have no idea what's going on in my head anymore. It's like something has stopped within, the clocks stopped ticking and time is passing faster than i have time to comprehend. I'm so tired all of the time, I'm in pain all of the time. While everything else spins and moves, my mind is numb and empty; i'm grasping at strings of reality, living in my head to avoid the truth. The truth is that I just don't know what i'm doing anymore. Life has become a monotony of money; trying to save to pay people back, getting somewhere, then losing it all again as yet another unexpected bill comes in. I used to cut this helplessness away, but now i'm too numb even for that, it doesn't reach me anymore.

I've lost something. Myself. I stare into space for hours; my broadcasts are an attempt to keep hold of my sanity. I don't want to fade away like this, if I have to go I want it to be in a blaze of triumph against the multiple disorders which have plagued my life. I want to say fuck you, but it isn't that simple. Every time I find a haven, i'm allowed to grow attached before someone sends it up in flames and it's gone. Then there's the laughing and goading, saying; "why did you bother? you knew it couldn't be this easy.."

I knew it. I just didn't want to be proved right again. Everything i've ever truly wanted has fallen apart around me. Relationships, Friendships, Societies. The only thing which is constant is me and my son. He's the only reason I haven't killed myself right now. Even as I sit here, the need to go and cut, not purely for the pain but to end it all, is unbearable. My pills scream at me from the cupboard. It's taking all the strength I have to resist, and this latest down is threatening to topple me. If the Tories get a majority government, i'll lose my haven, my home. I'll be back living at my parents in the tiniest bedroom with no privacy, sharing with a three year old.

And i'll die.