There's A Reason...

...this is my favourite song. Music can speak to the soul. Just listen.

Elliot Minor - The Broken Minor.

We've broken now, we're fading out,
And you fall on your knees, and stand defeat,
Just when it feels like hell is freezing over,
Hold on, embrace, this symphony.

Let's play the very first line, it feels much better,
And it's all in time, it's coming together,
When the drums come in, the keys get louder,
Now I'm building a collision of chords.

This time there's no tiny voices,
It's a chorus of noise,
We're surfing a sea of places,
Now, now, now we're singing,
A fanfare of sound, pulled out from within,
We fly through the broken minor,
Woah, woah, woah we've come back down.

When you've been let down,
It's a bitter end.
Everyone stands up,
You know you're lost again.
The lights are fading and we're still escaping,
The sea and twilight that marks and fills the sky.

Let's play the very first line, it feels much better,
And it's all in time, it's coming together,
When the drums come in, the keys get louder,
Now I'm building a collision of chords.

This time there's no tiny voices,
It's a chorus of noise,
We're surfing a sea of places,
Now, now, now we're singing
A fanfare of sound, pulled out from within,
We fly through the broken minor,
Woah, woah, woah we've come back down.

I can't stop the last time,
I can't stay... I can't stay away...
It's not the last time.

Let's play the very first line, it feels much better,
And it's all in time, you know it's coming together,
When the chords start progressing,
We wait for the ending...

This time there's no tiny voices,
It's a chorus of noise,
We're surfing a sea of places,
Now, now, now we're singing
A fanfare of sound, pulled out from within,
We fly through the broken minor,
Woah, woah, woah we've come back down.

A fanfare of sound, pulled out from within,
We fly through the broken minor,
Woah, woah, woah we've come back down.

I'm Going To Do This.

I'm still going to be fatalistic. I'm still going to wish myself dead every day that I breathe. Unfortunately, that's become the mundanity of my life. I'm still going to dye my hair madly in an attempt to reinvent myself. I do that, you know. The minute I sense my period of happiness is going downhill, I change things. I do it to change my outlook. I convince myself i've changed inside, that i'm ready to accept the forthcoming challenge. I don't care if it sounds bigheaded, I don't care if you think i'm deluded, but...

I can do it. I can face whatever challenge this fucking life throws at me. I've probably been through worse, in the long run. There wont be a straw to break this camel's back, because by that stage i'll probably be so pissed off i'll set the whole bale alight. I meant it when I said i'm going to go out in a blaze of glory; i'm going to go out being that girl who said "fuck you" to the shit people tried to smear her with. It's not that I don't care, far from it. I care. I just learned to fight.

There is no distinction of good and evil when I truly fight. I don't care if you're my best friend or my worst enemy, if you're the one causing me pain, i'm gone. I'm not disloyal; i'm not going to badmouth my friends, but I will cut you out, stop the poison from getting into the wound - until i'm strong enough to deal with you.

That's just how it has to be. I'm sitting here looking round everyone I know, watching you all suffer, watching you want to kill yourselves and I get it. I know why it hurts, I know that nothing anyone says will change your minds.

But you're strong, you can adapt. It's never going to be easy, but you're strong and beautiful people and you can cope.

"Fuck it."

Feed The Rain

I have no idea what's going on in my head anymore. It's like something has stopped within, the clocks stopped ticking and time is passing faster than i have time to comprehend. I'm so tired all of the time, I'm in pain all of the time. While everything else spins and moves, my mind is numb and empty; i'm grasping at strings of reality, living in my head to avoid the truth. The truth is that I just don't know what i'm doing anymore. Life has become a monotony of money; trying to save to pay people back, getting somewhere, then losing it all again as yet another unexpected bill comes in. I used to cut this helplessness away, but now i'm too numb even for that, it doesn't reach me anymore.

I've lost something. Myself. I stare into space for hours; my broadcasts are an attempt to keep hold of my sanity. I don't want to fade away like this, if I have to go I want it to be in a blaze of triumph against the multiple disorders which have plagued my life. I want to say fuck you, but it isn't that simple. Every time I find a haven, i'm allowed to grow attached before someone sends it up in flames and it's gone. Then there's the laughing and goading, saying; "why did you bother? you knew it couldn't be this easy.."

I knew it. I just didn't want to be proved right again. Everything i've ever truly wanted has fallen apart around me. Relationships, Friendships, Societies. The only thing which is constant is me and my son. He's the only reason I haven't killed myself right now. Even as I sit here, the need to go and cut, not purely for the pain but to end it all, is unbearable. My pills scream at me from the cupboard. It's taking all the strength I have to resist, and this latest down is threatening to topple me. If the Tories get a majority government, i'll lose my haven, my home. I'll be back living at my parents in the tiniest bedroom with no privacy, sharing with a three year old.

And i'll die.