apparently, i've had this blog for two years now. it seems only fitting that as i've changed as an individual, i change my way of talking to you. looking back at that first post i find myself thinking what you must do; "is she for real?!"
never has a statement about being a fantasist been so entirely true. back in 2007 i chose to live in a dreamworld rather than reality, because reality wasn't something i could face. i was hiding away from the truth, hiding from myself; i presented the front i wanted to be seen rather than who i really was. but that makes no sense, none whatsoever. you can hide all you want, you can pretend to be the hottest thing since sliced bread, but it's lonely. you can't ever let anyone near you in case they find out the truth. so that was how 2007 was for me. dreams.
2008 started on what i thought was a high. i met a guy, i won't say his name. i thought things were perfect, i rushed into moving in with him in another attempt to escape things at home which i still refused to deal with. in march and april 2008, my son got ill. very ill, so ill that i thought i was going to lose him. his biological father never showed up and i resented him, so much. cracks began to show with me and K, my boyfriend at the time, when he refused to take my son to the hospital because of fuel costs and his own personal boredom. i tried to leave him, he wouldn't let me. we lost our home, i moved back in with my parents; K followed me and we stayed in a cramped little room, three of us in a room barely big enough to fit two single beds. i went out of my way to avoid him, convincing him i loved him only because i couldn't stand the arguments and i couldn't get rid of him. he went AWOL from the army and was arrested in October 20008. I couldn't bring up the courage to dump him, thinking that he needed me. then, i went to London.
In London, I met up with a close male friend, A. I cheated on K, not going to lie about that. why? not out of spite, no, but because i needed to find myself somewhere in the mess which now belonged to K. I did. I found myself in my modelling and in my friendship, I learned that I didn't need a relationship to be happy.
But most of all I ran. I moved K's things out of my home, I cut all contact with him and i felt free; i thought "finally! i'm taking control of my life!" but i wasn't. I soon realised that I, far from being liberated from the need of a relationship, had grown to fear them. K had me so petrified of belonging to anyone - making me delete numbers from my phone, giving my family the spanish inquisition if i dared to venture out without him, questioning my every move... i simply couldn't be tied down that way.
It took me a year to come out of that shell; a year which has been both turbulent and strange. The wonderful year of two thousand and nine.
On December 6th, 2008; i signed up for a forum. A fan forum, for the wonderful singer Emilie Autumn. I learned that someone I already idolised performed with Emilie, and i was awestruck immediately. I am, of course, talking about the wonderful Veronica Varlow (dangerdame.com). She's one of the most courageous people I now have the pleasure of saying i've met. six years ago she was bitten by a dog and her nose badly damaged. Lying on the table as they fixed her up, Veronica made the choice not to run and hide, but to face her dreams and make them a reality. She is now one of the most beautiful and talented burlesque dancers i've ever seen, with the power to captivate you just as you watch her slip her opera glove past her elbow.
That, my friends, is inspirational. I started out this blog talking about running. Through this wonderful woman, whether she knows it or not, i've started to face up to my fears, realising that nothing is too bad to tackle. Two thousand and nine hasn't been an easy year, don't get me wrong. It's been full of bad things, like my mums MS deteriorating, my dads stress levels making him unbearable to live with, my brother collapsing and having seizures and, most recently, two of my friends dying in the space of a weekend. They were too young to die, and for a while, i didn't think i could make it through, i wanted to break away and run, i didn't want to face it. But I did it. I owe a lot of that again to Veronica as, despite her hectic schedule, she still made time to email me and help me face my distress. Don't get me wrong, I will never truly get over losing my beloved friends, it was cruel and unfair to lose them.
But I can cope with it. That's what this is all about. Coping. I have never had the strength to be my own person; i've had all these thoughts of misery running around in my head and i've been using it as an excuse. I threw it away, and i found life. I have a beautiful new home and more friends than I deserve. I adore you, each and every one.
A few special mentions simply have to be given.
Chris. holy fuck, i love you. you dont get it, really you dont. you're like sunshine on the darkest days, you dry up the rain and you cast out the shadows. i ADORE you. one day, you're going to accept that. one day, i'll see you smile because you understand.
Bexy. you are the sweetest girl alive. I don't think I could make it through sometimes without you there to perk me up, to make me laugh hysterically at our inside jokes. you're one of my very best friends and i don't care if you squash me with your boobs, your cuddles are just THE BEST.
Saya. words cannot express how grateful I am to you. Not just for the money, but for the trust you've bestowed on me. I am going to try so hard not to let you down; you know what i'm talking about. I will return the money to you as quickly as inhumanly possible.
Veronica. you're like the fairytale. so kind, so sweet, so magickal. everything about you oozes beauty and love and so many people adore you. if i were ever able to help you in anything, i would, in a heartbeat. keep being who you are, so many people are out there waiting to meet you and see how truly wonderful you are.
2010! HERE I FUCKING COME!.... indeed.
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