Burden.

i never meant to become anyone's burden.

the thought is more abhorrent to me than the sounds which taunt my mind when i'm alone, and i'm always alone. i hate that you had to elect a spokesperson for what you should have told me yourself. i hate that you lied to my face and stabbed me in the back. but most of all i hate myself for giving you reason to do any of the above.

the reason i've been so cold and distant isn't because i dislike anyone, or don't want to be around them. it's because i don't trust myself not to destroy you. i'm in total isolation, cutting off my heart, my mind and my soul from everyone i love because the decay has gone so deep that i'm scared of infecting you. it doesn't matter how often you tell me it's okay, or that you choose to be infected, i can't bring myself to reply no matter how badly it hurts me, how much i want to tell you i love you. i don't feel like i'm in control of myself any more. i feel like i'm lurking within watching someone else control my body. my mind is my own, but physically, i'm someone else. it's auto pilot. it's 'coping'. i don't know what else to do; if i don't shut off my mind and my heart they're going to explode; then i'll end up the same externally as i am internally: a bloody mess.

so i'm sorry. this is a short blog i know, but i can't bring myself to write florid depths into my soul when everything is closed. the show's over, time to go home. time to leave the carnival to rust.