I'm Going To Do This.

I'm still going to be fatalistic. I'm still going to wish myself dead every day that I breathe. Unfortunately, that's become the mundanity of my life. I'm still going to dye my hair madly in an attempt to reinvent myself. I do that, you know. The minute I sense my period of happiness is going downhill, I change things. I do it to change my outlook. I convince myself i've changed inside, that i'm ready to accept the forthcoming challenge. I don't care if it sounds bigheaded, I don't care if you think i'm deluded, but...

I can do it. I can face whatever challenge this fucking life throws at me. I've probably been through worse, in the long run. There wont be a straw to break this camel's back, because by that stage i'll probably be so pissed off i'll set the whole bale alight. I meant it when I said i'm going to go out in a blaze of glory; i'm going to go out being that girl who said "fuck you" to the shit people tried to smear her with. It's not that I don't care, far from it. I care. I just learned to fight.

There is no distinction of good and evil when I truly fight. I don't care if you're my best friend or my worst enemy, if you're the one causing me pain, i'm gone. I'm not disloyal; i'm not going to badmouth my friends, but I will cut you out, stop the poison from getting into the wound - until i'm strong enough to deal with you.

That's just how it has to be. I'm sitting here looking round everyone I know, watching you all suffer, watching you want to kill yourselves and I get it. I know why it hurts, I know that nothing anyone says will change your minds.

But you're strong, you can adapt. It's never going to be easy, but you're strong and beautiful people and you can cope.

"Fuck it."